Monday, October 12, 2015

I Must NEVER Let My Guard Down

Most of my life I have worked to keep a certain level of mental and emotional distance from any situation I find myself in. This has stemmed from consistently experiencing situations where the whole atmosphere has turned on a tack and gone from relaxed and enjoyable to uncomfortable and anxious.  Often this is due to either extremely ill timed points being made, or just stupid overreactions where one person destroys the atmosphere for the whole group, even if the rest of the group as not guilty of anything except being there.

Social Phobia is an issue I've struggled with for decades, the above described situations probably being the primary cause.  Consequently I've created an inner wall to protect myself from negativity that I have no control over.

Woman Seated - Converted to B & W - Original Art by Ann-Monique
In the last several years I have finally managed to reach a level of coping that actually allows me to do things on occasion that would have been impossible before.  Things like go by myself on a walk outside the confines of my yard or even take myself on a tour of a new place and explore.  I've also reached a point where I can actually enjoy an evening out with a small group of people without feeling on edge the entire time.

Every once in a while I make a mistake though.  I get so comfortable and enjoy myself so much that I forget to maintain that certain level of mental distance that will protect me in case of a swift change of atmosphere.

This cannot happen.  The devastating feelings I get, the frustration, anger and resentment I feel as a result of these invasions of my stability, are enough to derail me for several days.

I must always be prepared for and expect the worse and not get too comfortable.  Then I run a lesser risk of being mentally punished for having fun.

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