My inability to capture many of my thoughts can be very
frustrating. Every day my mind will
wonder into imaginary conversations with various people. Usually the topic is
Religion, how I “practice” my faith, and why I do it the way I do.
A large part of me feels that if I could capture the ideas of these
imagined conversations and write them down they could potentially assist many
others who struggle with faith, either their own or their lack thereof.
One idea that always returns to my head is that there is a perception
that organized religion and God must be inclusive of each other. One must exist for the other to exist. I don’t
believe this. I do not believe that to be a good Christian, or Jew, or Muslim
or anything else for that matter, you must regularly attend a place of worship
and go through an excepted routine of ritual to prove your faith.
Before I progress too far with this incite to my Spirituality, I will
share my religious history.
I am the daughter and granddaughter of Clergymen. My mother's father
was a conservative Methodist minister, growing up my mother couldn't ever order
an entree that had a wine sauce on it, I never saw that side, since he
died when I was 16. He was the Grandparent I was closest to and I only saw the
lovable and always smiling cuddly Grandpa that taught me how to use tools and
gave great backrubs. My Father is a
liberal U.C.C. Minister. I also received
my BA in Studio Art from a Methodist College where Old and New Testament
classes were just as much a requirement for graduation as College Algebra and
English 101
My brother and I grew up going to church every Sunday unless we were
sick. These mornings usually consisted of
Sunday school, the Service, and then Fellowship hour. Church for me wasn't just
a time to worship and follow my faith, it was a second home and the people were
extended family, as is the case for many people.
When I was little, I loved watching the activities that the youth group
did and couldn't wait to get old enough to do them too. I would love it when
the ladies groups and adult groups met at the house, hear them talk, help when
I was allowed and looked forward to growing up and being able to be a fully
participating member of the club.
My church "home" was a place I could feel safe, be most
myself, and comfortably be social. I am
very Social Phobic, something I've been working to overcome most of my life. By
the time I reached 4th grade school was a torment that only got worse every
year. Church was my social circle. By
High School my sole source of regular social activities was almost all Church
related, either directly or outside but with people from there. Church was the solid foundation of my
life. It was my safe place and the only
place I was really at ease. I know that many people feel this way as a normal
part of life and I will admit I sometimes envy them for it.
I lived the first 20 years of my life secure in this bubble. I had built up protective walls around me in
all other parts of my life, especially school, and worked very hard to be
invisible. Church was my comfort
zone. I believed that within its walls I
could trust the people there regardless of who we were outside of church
activities.
I was very naive.
The summer I turned 20 I lost all my faith in the church. I learned that even within its alleged
hallowed walls, people can still be manipulative, spread vicious rumors that
have no foundation, and choose to deliberately cause harm with no thought of whom
else may be collateral damage. I am still unable to write about the details of
that summer. I will say that the few people I have related the experience to have
shown me deep sympathy and understanding as to why I have been unable to heal
from this enough to trust the Church as a place of safety again. I have made
attempts recently to be involved in some very wonderful congregations. There is still a tentativeness that I haven't
been able to completely overcome but I am making progress
The story cited above reports about a short film called
"Five" that presents to the audience the trust in faith that 5 children
of 5 different world religions share.
I realize talking about this film appears like I've taken a hard turn
off the subject. I include it for a
specific reason. When I viewed the film,
my first reaction was a small amount of jealousy. Jealousy that these children
still held that complete trust of faith in the people they knew within each of their
respective places of worship and that those houses of worship where completely
connected to their faith in the Divine.
Once I guiltily brushed that feeling off, I was able to rejoice in the
message of the film and what its message was trying to say.
Many would expect that to lose faith in the church would also equate to
losing faith in God. This is not the case, not for me, and shouldn't be for
anyone else. I know better that to blame God for the pain and sadness caused by some of God's children. Equally important, I know now that the whole
experience was necessary to kick start me into developing into the person I am
still becoming. To stop being a blind
follower and become more of a leader. A
leader who isn't afraid to step back, look around and question things that just
don't seem right according to my understanding of our God as well as the
teachings of Jesus Christ.
I look back at the rungs of the ladder that is my life and I know
everything I've experienced has been important in helping me realize and
appreciate what I have, as well as what we have as God's children and what we
could accomplish with the materials He has given us if we would just get out
heads out of our asses, stop squabbling about little stuff and work together.
